Mobile.

Mobile.

I love this place. People come, people go. Some were amazing, some memorable, some who have changed my life so profoundly.

So I made the effort too, to bring in people who can make a difference too. People whose circles I am part but not parcel of. People who matter to me and likewise I matter to them. Or at least that's what id like to believe.

Sometimes I wonder what my worth is to other people. I know for one thing I have self-esteem. It isn't overstated, but it isn't terribly low either. I find my problem lies in the fact the way I hold myself does not concur with that of those around me. Or at least not those who I was hoping for.

Some can, but some cannot. I don't blame those who cannot nor do I dismiss those who can. But the fact that the values dont concur with people who do matter to me, is leaving me jaded, out of place and unappreciated. 

Let's not even talk about being loved. Appreciation is nice at its basal level, but love is the word thrown around more freely than government freebies. That in my world of course. 

Wouldn't you say it's nice, when someone comes up to you, and says "hey, thanks for bringing me here." or even a simple "thanks for being there a little while". 

Yes it is a small thing, but small things lead to big impacts. I've come to a point where I have missed out so much of these little things from the people I dearly hold, a thick carapace is beginning to grow. Part of me doesn't want this bulwark to build up and the other part is desperately wishing to block up my heart to stop the pain.

Tragic it is, the human dilemma. For when they are nowhere close to pleasure, they would rather avoid pain. Where do I stand in all this? Let's just say the pleasure I've gotten well... I'm sad to say its not EXTACTLY what I wanted (yes I admit I sound unappreciative of what I have.) 

Though in the first place, who am I to even want or expect this out of people? I must be wrong. I don't see much right out of this, honestly. Complexity begins when you can see the two ends of this story and realise that you can't even make a stand in the grey area without treading the other extreme. Tragic.

Emptier. thats just how I feel as days pass by when I am with them. I guess I haven't been the person valuable enough to be worthy of such appreciation. Forget love, anyone can throw the word and show it, but to be loved by someone who does not see these small appreciative things often? Just imagine a tree with berries and fruits but a trunk slowly withering away, just waiting to give way. 

So yeah, fuck that, ive had too much time on my own. There is something new I need. Something I won't be able to get while I'm here.

My worst fear has come true. CCI, a home I truly love, is slowly becoming a place where I start to feel inadequate and undervalued, even more so by the people that I have brought in, ironically.

I think it's time to go mobile.

Let's move.

Found myself writing this.