The Feeling Of...

Lo! Art thou in for a treat today.
His journey in life today was not one he could call the best but it came to him as to what he REALLY had.

So you thought he slept well today?
T'was not true. He did not sleep, thanks to a good plate of noodles flavoured in prawn spices.
That, it was tasty but he knew of the side effects to come.
Yet the whole morning, was one spent doing work and seemingly, had fun talking nonsense to his dear older brother.

"That's why the Jamaicans wear those hats; to hide the fake dreadlocks!"

Moments like this he could cherish, the happiness made him feel all the more better to live life to the fullest. It was moments like this that he could finally take life and mount it like a horse.

Yet, en route to school, he knew of the terrible stomachache, yet to come.
Knowing he spent the morning awake, he knew he would get tired later.
His morning on the bus was spent in Z's but not even he himself realised that he was at rest.

The journey went by smoothly like rain falling from the sky.
He found himself in the hall, and saw, he saw.
He saw 3F. No. He did not. He saw only one person. Wei Ling.
He thought "where is everyone?"
He could help but think of it as a problem that his dear class has.
Only mere hopes of it not being a problem through of the year were in his mind. He was not concerned about sitting at the back. Rather if anyone sat down at all.

His morning assembly was taken fairly well. He read the newspaper, tried and gave it his best to understand.
None more interesting here.

Time flows, Maths was the period. He was fully aware of the test today. But not even his last minute revision could save him from the onslaught of Mr Chan's math test paper. Even though it was only one, it could kill more students than a terrorist could kill in a day.
But it nearly destroyed him today. What mattered, he tried and it made his paper seem a lot easier after relentless trying. Sure, he didn't several questions but he did the ones he knew. Knowing that died his worries of a failure. It may be imminent, but he tried his best not to let it happen.

Time, flows like a river. Literature, the bending of words and ideas.
"Flashback, Flashback."
Word of Wei Xuan that he found very amusing. He felt he wrote up a good amount for the questions, but that only gave him feelings of cockiness. No one likes cocky people. He tried not to show it, but he felt that everyone could perceive it without even doing so. Fear of rejection, the way in which people could accept you and let you blend in like stars in the sky. Or, shunned by others, as if unheard of.
He found this period of time fairly splendid. He made a fair amount of noise, he felt happy. It was the only time of the day that he could really feel happy.

Flowing, the river meanders. MT. The presentation of the group "Belacaan" was one he found some amusement in. But in feeling so, he did not mean feelings of contempt. The poems were so well done, he felt happy to see work done with heart. Even his classmates took joy in performing their part. He was happy to see that.

The river is full of fishes. He ate. He ate twice in fact. But the stomachache that came on was unbearable. It wasn't making his day any better. Especially since it start mid-way into the day. His stomach, grumbling like a dog ready to pounce. He knew it was not going to be fine.

They say time is the best medicine. But it was in the lesson of morals that he felt he had to let it all go. However, even after doing so, his mood was slightly affected as the stomachache seemed to have died. But the grumbling was still there. It hurt. But it did not grumble as much after letting go. He tried to take this time to rest, but his dear classmates, over-concerned with self amusement, took that time to find pleasure in the agony of me waking up from my sleep abruptly. His classmates took advantage whenever he was asleep.

The question was "Who's going to bang the table first?"
He could not perceive the care and love that they did not directly try to bring to him.
Truly, he felt hurt, utmost pain in the questions that he asks himself whenever he was awoken.
"Are these really my classmates?"
"Did they really have to do this?"
Not even Mr Chan could see rationale in me trying to take a few minutes rest.

When time passes, we look back on it, to see the path that has made the river flow, stronger, faster , flowing how like never before. He took his books and walked slowly towards the AVA room. Hoping to find someone to talk to, he walked side by side with Jazsley and Allan, hoping that they'd strike up a good conversation. But he saw that some of his classmates were bringing their Social Studies Textbook. Hurriedly, he went back and grabbed the Social Studies material for the period afterwards. When he came back down, he saw no one he could really talk to. He saw girls, mingling happy with others. He envied that. But he never seemed to get it with each passing day.

He found the seating in class rather unorthodox, but he was told that we could sit anywhere we wanted. Looking for a seat, he took one next to Allan, in the middle of 5 seats.
Surprisingly, Allan questioned of why he sat there. Mdm Rozi demanded of us to sit in front. Not me and Allan, everyone. So then, Allan looked at me and he said "Hannan, go in front."
His initial reaction of not being able to sit with his friend was one he took lightly of. He just gave a slight sign of discontent before consigning to a seat in the front row, furthest left.

Stefanie, who would have then just arrived, Allan poses the question "Stefanie, sit here."
To which she did.
But, the words Allan said was one he could definitely not take lightly of.
Upong sitting down, Allan said: "Yay, friend."
At that moment, sadness and desolation took a crushing blow on him.
He felt like a building struck by comets, slowly tearing him apart.
He saw, how Jazsley and Allan, together was more social than him.
He did not take this too well.
He kept asking, why?

"Yay, friend."
"Yay, friend."
"Yay, friend."
"Yay, friend."
"Yay, friend."

These words were tormenting. The word friend, alone was enough to have him under the clouds.
He could not take the rest of the lesson too well despite constant joking around by his fellow classmates. He saw how fun especially it was to be next to Allan, as he seemed to take the class rather happily, one he could not do so well, ever.

He wrote the words in ink on his palm.
yay...
friend.
not.

Surprisingly, taking notes from the teachers seemed like nothing when coping with the feeling of desolation and sorrow.

People will come together, as time passes. He sat down at his usual seat. But, he sat there, feling so deprived of the very thing that could make him happy. He sat down, 3rd row furthest left on the right half of the class. But, he could not smile. It would seem like as if he was trying to bring the dead back to life. He tried to bring something that was killed moments before.

He could not. His efforts were futile. He displayed the face of sadness as if on parade. No, not even he would try to act this out. Sadness and loneliness held a tight grip on him. Choking his spirit, killing the vivacious that wanted to be known for. Only one person, Crystal, had been so concerned about his long face. Though he knew what she intended to do, he could not bring himself up to to let words out of his mouth. The rest of the lesson, he was preoccupied with those feelings while constantly trying to keep awake.

In time, we communicate. The worksheet given to him about a speech seemed lke something he would have done in 10 minutes. Looking through the paper, he check the 2nd page, and the grip that held him was tightened, near asphyxiation. It was a quote by Khalil Gibran. About, friends. Though he did not remember exactly what it was, the very thought of it was like a grip on his heart getting tighter and tighter. He lay his head on the table. In agony.

The sadness that was within took a toll on him when it finally controlled his body.
When sadness and desolation are in control, how could he bring himself up to look fine to anyone else? Le Ying noticed the way he was not and asked about it but he could not answer.
Slowly, he walked towards the hall. Ms Gabriela tried to console but the grip holding him only got tighter. Verge of dying, he just hoped that she would go. She was not helpful to him, but appreciated what she tried to do.

And, in celebration of times. He sat down in one corner in the hall. Thinking of what he was to everyone. Who really cared, who actually gave a damn he was still there, alive and happy. To him he felt loneliness slowly make the wound in him deeper and deeper. Emmanuel and Hafiz who tried to help him, did not make it any better. He was glad they cared but the sight of friends was one of true agony to him.

Not even dancing could revive his spirits. He danced with the long face that plagued him since History class. Haikal, Gina and Li Yin was the other few who have noticed that he was not in the top of his day. But did not do much and left him alone. He was glad, but he was sad too. They did not even try to help a friend get back up after having fallen from vivifying happiness.

Nway Nway was the last to have noticed my sadness. She constantly kept trying to cheer me up. But at that point he was near inconsolable. He tried to dance his feelings out, but they could not take away how he felt. He tried to dance nicely, but the long face soured everything he tried to do, despite dancing well.

During breaktime, he sat down. In despair. Le Ying and Nway Nway sat by him, asking of him. He could not answer. He tried to show his them his left hand. His hand moved but the feelings were hiding it. To which Le Ying read the words on his hand, and perceived it hoping it would make him feel better. But it really does not. Nway Nway tried her best to cheer him up. She seemed like a little child trying to bring happiness back to an adult. But the way she tried seemed to have the best effect on him. He thought, yeah, it is folkdancing, I should try to be happy.

After that, he tried dancing with more, vigour. He put his hands into the music, his legs full of energy. But the face was there. It was still sad. To him, it was hard to put a smile back on his face.

He felt sorry for Nway Nway for having to dance with someone who was so sad. He wished he didn't have to be sad. But it just seemed to take it's toll on him. Especially today.

He felt sorry for all those who would have expected something of him today. Truly sorry, he could not make today one joyful for others when he himself was not.

Afterwards, he saw David, Azhar and Rui Yi waiting by the side. After seeing them, he felt it wasn't so bad after all. And the sadness died away. Finally the feeling of freedom after being chained by melancholy.

He went home with them and... he "crapped" around. He was happy once again.

He got home, got into a room with an empty, comfortable bed, and lay to rest.